ugh.
so.
swimming.
yeah.
had a meet this weekend. made finals yesterday for 200 breaststroke . . . did really well in the finals, better than i'd done in the meet itself
then today, i got a personal best time in my 200 free . . . by about 15 miliseconds, but it still counts.
then my legs went numb from the knee down in 200 back . . which was highly uncomfortable and screwed over the entire race. then i didn't even have time to get basic sugar in me before i had to swim again.
you ever get that feeling where you have one chance, one single shot to prove that you're worth it, that you have talent and strength and that you're powerful enough, willing enough, to deserve someone's time and investment?
i had my chance today.
and i fucked it up, bigtime.
fucking 100 breast. my swim. a race i could really put myself all into, that i could do very very well at.
and i just couldn't.
and i was beaten by another girl from my club . . a girl who is NOT a breaststroker, who wins everything BUT breast . . . she beat me.
and just when my coach is finally investing in me, finally deciding i'm worth it . . suddenly, i'm not.
all because of this beautiful, adorable, super sweet, super fast, friendly 15 year old.
i should not be this upset.
it's just a swim.
a minute and a half of my time.
but . . it's so much more. it hurts.
i'm not even going to be a swimmer. never going to win anything. not even going to join a varsity team.
so why does this hurt so much?
i'm not even pmsing right now. it doesn't make sense.
gotta stay positive. it's just a race. i can redeem myself.
eventually.